Before I introduce preparenting, I make sure to mention how completely aware I am that this entire concept is only possible because of my privilege as a white woman in a heterosexual marriage with upper middle class income living in a small farm town outside of Ottawa, Canada. In the same way that psychotherapy can be seen as mental health privilege, preparenting is something we can’t all do at the same capacity to better ourselves. Preparenting is a concept that can be executed by anyone but will look very different from one person to another based on their circumstances. Where the simple intention and conscious effort to heal from your childhood wounds before becoming a parent to not pass these down to your own children is preparenting, some will see sobriety, the purchase of a home, marriage, peaceful birth, financial independence and optimal physical health as essential parts of their preparenting journey. Though intentional work and deep personal development are the fundamentals of preparenting, those things may be the only two a person can achieve before having children. Inflation has made homeownership impossible for some and marriage is not a requirement for others. Some mothers are single moms by choice and some couples cannot legally get married. Some mothers feel safest birthing in hospitals and others are more likely to die if they give birth in hospitals because of the colour of their skin. Some will be parents while they live paycheck to paycheck, without income or with multiple abundant streams. One person’s optimal level of health will look much different than another. Some have access to therapists and resources while others have but a few self-help books and one good friend. Some women get to choose to preparent and become mothers when they are ready, while others have to drive to a different state and get a secret procedure done to not be forced into motherhood at a terrible time or under less than ideal circumstances. Some women go through multiple rounds of fertility treatments while others don’t have access to contraceptives. Some people will get in shape and optimize vitality and hydration for pregnancy and breastfeeding by purchasing fancy alkaline filters for their tap, while some still live under a boil water advisory. Unfortunately, we live in a world where depending on where you live, who you are, what you look like and how much money you make, preparenting will look differently. The poverty I grew up in is wealth for another. The abuse I witnessed and suffered in my childhood is a good week for someone else. My trauma is also someone else’s nightmare. Whatever perspective we have, whatever our reality is, the aim is not to divide, to classify or measure who preparents better, who preparented more or who is a better parent type. The goal of preparenting is for us to leave the next generation better off than we were left ourselves by giving our children what we didn’t get and passing down wisdom rather than wounds. It is also to build ourselves back up to the closest image of our truest self so we can parent with self-confidence and self-compassion rather than guilt and martyrdom. It will look differently for every single person in the world. And I acknowledge the privilege I have for being in the position I am in today. I do, also, acknowledge that the position I am in today was not at all the position that was ever expected of me, that was modelled for me or that I was effortlessly going to end up in. I had to turn my life around and make very hard choices to become who I am today and make it possible for me to preparent at all. There are unconscious, abusive parents with lots of money, access to resources, health care, services and everything they need. While some scrape by but love, respect, support and care for their children in a way that inspires the world. You don’t need money, status or privilege to preparent, but I won’t deny that these things make preparenting easier – for some, preparation before parenting is a given, for others, it’s a luxury, and in some cases, it’s not even a thing. In my writing, I share my philosophy and opinion that preparenting can change the world. I truly believe it can. I have come to the conclusion that if we can heal the childhood home, we can heal the world. Show me someone filled with hate and anger, point me to someone who is harming innocent people, and I will show you a traumatic childhood. If we can educate adults on preparenting, mothers on preparation for pregnancy and a peaceful birth, fathers on self-development with raising children as a focus, and parents on intergenerational trauma healing and nervous system regulation, we can set ourselves up with a solid foundation our parents did not have and give children their right to be kids and grow up with their needs met. A child who is loved right has more than many of us can say we had. I remember being a little girl watching sports news with my father. A young man was thanking his family for his achievements. He said something about his mother having no money, barely getting by and working several jobs to provide for her three kids. He thanked his mother for loving him and always believing in him, and said he would never be where he is today without her. I remember that moment vividly as it was the instant I realized that you can barely have enough to make it at the end of the month, but if you love and empower your children, you can still guide them to greatness. At the end of the day, it’s not about measuring success or comparing accomplishments, but really about loving our children and guiding them towards greatness. You don’t need a masterclass to do that. You don’t need a house, your dream job or the healthiest body. But you can want to have all of that. You can want to give your kids a warm home, financial security, a family that our bodies know as safe and healthy role models if that is something you can do. Preparenting is finding out what matters the most to you, what you can change, what you can learn and adopt and who you want to be for your kid to be best supported in their childhoods. It's looking deep within and outwards, expanding our scope on our past and future, the world as a whole, and deciding what we want to teach about it. Because as parents, we are teachers. And as human beings, we are students. What we learn and pass down is in our control. Preparenting is a privilege, but it's inclusive. It does not discriminate. It thrives on diversity and varying opinions, cultures, identities, bodies and experiences. Whatever that looks like for you, if we are all committed to healing the parts of ourselves that do not serve us while loving our children unconditionally, with authority and tenderness, and guiding them towards greatness, we are all heading in the same direction.
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